It’s that time of the year again. Sexual Spring is in the air, the birds are moaning, and the sweet sound of college whores spending the last of their loans on Victoria’s Secret bikinis is cha-chinging through the aisles of every department store near you. The weather report reads cloudy with a chance of blowjobs in the morning, sunny with a chance of doggy-style in the afternoon, and breezy with a chance of threesomes in the evening. That’s right, I’m speaking of the Lost Week we all know as Spring Break. A few weeks back, we all gave up something impractical for Lent, like alcohol or weed, with which we all shall quickly reunite upon the dawn of the glory that is Spring Briznatch. Besides, all religion is good for these days is the divine interference we seek when the condom breaks. So after you’ve stocked up on your week’s worth of Magnums and Tequila, take a seat and listen up. God granted us the ability to black out, just as long as we obey the divine Laws of Spring Break. Ready? Good, me neither.
1. Wifey Season is Over - Law number one is by far the most crucial, and key, when preparing for a successful Spring Breezy. In all reality, Spring Break is simply short for Spring Break-Up. This isn’t Christmas, and now is not the time to waddle home to your girlfriend when your day is done. This is Spring Break, which means now it’s time for you to dump her ass and let me take advantage of you for the night. And ladies, if he hasn’t yet dumped your ass, then it’s about time you take initiative, crush his ego, and book yourself a trip to San Diego. Because Wifey Season is over. I repeat: OH-VUR.
2. Calories Shall Only Come From Your Cup - It’s Spring Break. This is not the time to eat. This law states that only during the months whose thermometers read below 60 past noon are you allowed to succumb to Doritos and Donuts. The amount of alcohol you will be consuming over these upcoming days will surpass your need for a burrito. Stick with liquid. Solids = Sin.
3. Plan B is Plan A - If the only thing you plan to go down on this Spring Break is a box of Girl Scout Cookies, then you’re not on our level. You shouldn’t even be allowed to have a Spring Break. As for the rest of you normal whores… I understand that we’re going to be walking Jack in the Boxes this Break, with the men waiting in line at the drive-thru to pick up their seven-dollar order. However, for how many Jacks I expect to visit my box, take my advice and stock up on a little friend I like to call Plan B. Let’s face it–we’re not going to have time to pay attention to arduous tasks like making sure he puts on a condom. You’ve got to be prepared.
4. Once You Go Black(out)… - Let me be clear. If you return to your daily life remembering anything you did over Spring Break, then you’re 1) not carrying out the laws correctly, and 2) are most certainly going to slip into a depression out of remorse once the Lost Week comes to an end. You must be belligerent at all times, without a moment to spare. Channel your inner-alcoholic-relapse and black the F out. Just think of it as a week-long coma.
5. Clothing is Blasphemy - There is a bikini-maximum dress code for Spring Break. Remember what our parents taught us–less is more, especially when it comes to what you wear over this upcoming week. Nuder beats pruder, and the wetter the better. Stick to the motto.
6. What Happens In Your Vagina… Stays In Your Vagina - I don’t know about you, but my Spring Break is carried out on a strictly don’t ask don’t tell basis. In other words, if you’re not banging in the double-digits this break, then get the hell out and give the real girls some room to scope out our options. In addition to Spring Break-Up, Spring Break is also short for Spring Break-Me-Off, which means sex comes in a variety pack of yumminess. Keep it plural.
7. Facebook is the New Vogue - Your goal this break is to get the most likes on some hot stranger’s News Feed. Sloppy is the new black. You’ve got to get ‘em talking, otherwise your life is boring and I’ll probably never talk to you. And who wouldn’t want that?
8. Box, Bottle, Bag - When in doubt, slores, just remember these three words: Box, Bottle, Bag. It’s the ultimate triple-threat of the Spring Break Gods. Box of Trojans, Bottle of Liquor, Bag of Drugs. End of story.
9. NO FEELINGS ALLOWED - We get it. We’re obviously going to bang everything that has a pulse, penis, and cute face over break. But not for one moment are you allowed to feel any emotion towards these hot bods past the sound of his/her first name, which you are also not allowed to remember.
10. Regret Nothing (Everything) - If you’re not going to do anything that you’d regret in your normal life, then I suggest give it up now. This is the big leagues. Spring Biznatch is for the grown and irresponsible. One last bit of advice: if it’s not distasteful, illegal, or life-threatening, then it’s not Spring Break.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a B-B-B to explore with my variety pack at Jack in the Box. Come join me and my sexcapades. Good luck this week, and remember… I’m proud of you.