The Art of Drunk-Proofing

The Art of Drunk-Proofing

Following my move to a college town under two years ago, I quickly learned a couple things I had been more or less shielded from in suburbia: frat boys make the most devastating fashion choices, foreign kids speak non-English much too loudly on the bus, and you will get wasted and lose shit. I have spent several mornings as a vodka-zombie trying to relocate the essentials. Lately, I’ve even developed a habit of trying to drunkenly stash my wallet, keys, etc. in attempt to not lose them only to realize later that drunken me is much better at hiding than sober me is at seeking. And with classes back in session I can’t be having any of that. On that note ladies and gents, my collective ten tips to a more irresponsibly responsible you, cheers.

10. So you wanna remember last night?

Why are you even reading this? These are the glory days and for those who argue that you can have a good time without booze, yeah maybe but guaranteed you’ll have a better time with some 70% proof. The only advice to avoid the notorious blackout is sobriety or limiting your intake….no fun. And if the blackout happens to be the supposed product of Rohypnol, that’s whatcha get for going to the Hawk.

9. Burnett’s, McCormick’s, and Barton’s oh my.

If the above brands ring no bells, you’re not doing college right. The proper way to keep track of the little bastards is firstly accomplished by choosing a friend who is more responsible than you, preferably female because purses are excellent for this situation. Next step, clear booze meets water bottle, I suggest clear for obvious reasons. I always sharpie an X on the cap, a lesson learned via early a.m. hangover desert mouth and leftover vodka in the closest ‘water’ bottle within reach….

8. I remember my first beer….

Sometimes you just have to accept that you’re going to puke but what about preventing the whole situation? In case your college drinking career is at the novice level. Throwing up during or post alcohol consumption is for one of two basic reasons: 1) you’ve outdone yourself for the evening trying to go too “hard” or 2) hangover, which is essentially dehydration which alcohol does, in combination with the left over toxins from the portion of the booze that wasn’t pure alcohol. Colored beverages are best to avoid if you’re a puker, it’s the additives that add color and flavor that will have you passing out in some randos bathroom. On a personal note, I rarely get sick but if I do, it’s the Franzia that does me over the next day, never the hard liquor.

7. “Will someone call my phone?…”

This last year I’ve permanently misplaced two iphones and if you guessed whiskey was involved you’re spot on. I opt to ditch the phone if I’m confident I won’t get separated from the wolf-pack. Another option is to get a shitty cell phone that you won’t miss much if the liquor wins (it always does). If you go ahead and choose to bring out your cell phone  do yourself a favor and make sure its 100% charged and on the highest volume and vibration. Lastly should it disappear during a night out and you have an iphone, download “Find iphone”, it’s a free app that allows you to locate your device as long as the phone is turned on using a friends device.

6. Ditch the debit card

We’re what, late teens, early twenties? It’s more than a safe bet your drunk ass will not cut off the spending until it’s too late and you’re waking up next to some troll that you spent all your money on. Also, from honest female perspective, we will ring you dry like the wet wash cloth you are, its plain fact. Survival of the fittest yo; plus at this point you’re broker than you were initially. No gold star for you. At least leaving the card at home and bringing out a limited amount of cash will stop your bad decisions in partial.

5. If it’s getting hot in hurr, DON’T take off all your clothes or shoes (this need not apply for all…)

Prior to beginning your night take a minute, are you going to be constantly adjusting pieces of your outfit and/or shoes? If the answer is yes (be honest, this is for your own good) then maybe reconsider and opt for wearing something more practical, ya know?  Should your demon-shell be released when you approach 15-ish shots it’s better to be safe than sorry when the alcohol decides to screw the new heels you just bought. Lastly, getting naked=not in your favor; in this case at least. Reason number one is that I’ve seen many a random bra/panties displayed around Lawrence parties/friends places etc. Nothing scarlet-letters you as a sloppy mess as strongly as this one; if you get yourself into all that, you earned it.

4.  Where’s Wallet?

Just leave it at home. It’s easier to track an I.D. and some cash rather than your whole wallet and all of its contents. The idea here is bare necessities; you can thank yourself in the a.m.

3. Keys

I’d say leave the crib unlocked but after living on the third floor of the connection and having strangers such as the notorious violent ‘Bill Cosby’ who ended up getting his ass made a fool after intruding on our Halloween party and stealing/refusing to pay for cups. Following that incident, a hardcore member of the International House of Prayer religious cult busted in post New Year’s Eve celebration and started preaching. No thanks, I’ll just lock my door. My best suggestion here is to leave the keys in your rides car (assuming they’re generally responsible with keys etc.) Other ideas: string it on a chain/ lanyard; hook it to a belt loop or stash it somewhere outside of your place where you’ll remember it, keys are good things to have.

2. Homies

This is another one that pretty strictly applies to us ladies. God knows how many nights I’ve spent stumbling through the #785 being all “have you seen so-and-so?” It’s a total freshman move but that being the case, we’ve all been there. If you haven’t you’re most likely pretty new to this college thing. The ‘KU Buddy System’ has a good point on this one; I recommend a close friend because no one likes a flake who’ll ditch you for some frat-daddy D. If that ever does happen forget that bitch and put your effort forth to find someone else who’s not craving some pastel-shorted dick.

1. Dignity

I cannot stress on this one enough. Do not end up blacked-out in some dudes house that you’re merely acquaintances/ friends-of-friends with covered in sharpie graffiti or other substances and objects. There’s just no coming back from this one. Pace yourself or get black-out drunk in the comfort of your own dorm, apartment, or house.

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